Hello Monday.
I am joining Carolyn again to share my March update on my word. A word that I have again considered dumping… releasing release. Or maybe just curtailing release to be my clean out the physical closets in this house companion, and keeping release out of the emotional closets of my mind. But I am persevering, because I am reminding myself how hard Focus was and how challenging Intentional was. Starting something new is never easy and so I persevere.
I have spent this very long month with my thoughts. And this quote from Brené Brown in my head:
When you numb your pain, you also numb your joy.
Oh boy. Yep, that is absolutely true. I am the master of saying nothing and numbing/ignoring the painful memories of an abusive and dysfunctional house. This month I have been opening the doors in my brain that I have kept shut and discovering that by locking those painful memories in, I was also locking in some good memories as well. I can’t erase the painful memories, but I don’t have to be numb and thus avoid all joy. It has not been easy and honestly, I considered just shoving all those memories – good and bad – back in the farthest recess of my brain and locking the door again.
But then I started reading Padraig Ó Tuama’s new book and this passage has become my new meditation, especially when I am feeling like shutting that door, locking it and throwing away the key:
To greet sorrow today does not mean that sorrow will be there tomorrow. Happiness comes too, and grief, and tiredness, disappointment, surprise and energy. Chaos and fulfilment will be named as well as delight and despair. This is the truth of being here, wherever here is today. It may not be permanent but it is here. I will probably leave here, and I will probably return. To deny here is to harrow the heart. Hello to here.
― In the Shelter: Finding a Home in the World
The emphasis is mine, but the power of that sentence is exactly what I need. It is just for today and it might not be tomorrow. Yes, it might be back, but just like that small determined child…I will survive.
And I have a list of things I can begin to work on releasing next month: the shame of being a victim of abuse, the guilt that it was somehow my fault, the embarrassment of being talked about, the worry of being judged.
Thank you for reading and if you want to see my journey with release, you will find it here.
See you back here on Wednesday with a knitting update!
Sending you a virtual hug, Kat. I know it’s easy to say, but you should not bear any guilt, shame, embarrassment, or worry. I hope your travels with release, though difficult, will be freeing for you. XO
I am proud of you for not giving up on the difficult work, and I think you’ve really accepted that sometimes we have to feel the pain to fully appreciate the happiness. I hope that as you work to release the sadness, anger, and other negative emotions, you feel more lightness and joy.
Oh yes Kat! Reaching out to you virtually with support and hugs. Agree with Bonny – you should not feel guilt, shame, embarrassment or worry. I hope your journey with RELEASE is indeed freeing for you. Take care.
I have this plaque on my wall: Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day that says, “I will try again tomorrow.” I admire your determination. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings.
I’m so glad that Pádraig Ó Tuama passage found you, Kat. You said something else that sort took my breath and that I reread a couple of times: “locking those painful memories in…” Locking them in. I hadn’t thought of it that way, that by not processing or releasing, that’s exactly what we’re doing. But it’s so much harder than just, bam, bidding adieu. I’m sending love. And saying Tonglen prayers for breathing in pain, breathing out freedom.
I understand so many of those emotions, Kat. I wish you hadn’t had that experience as a child and I hope you can work on releasing that baggage.
I am also sending you a big hug. None of what happened to you is your fault nor should you feel guilty or ashamed or embarrassed or judged. The book you mention sounds wonderful. I know the name from On Being and a previous conversation. I am glad it gives you some solace.
“Hello to here.” May I also join the hug? This is HARD work to do at any point in our lives, much less in the midst of everything going on in the world right now. I’m grateful that you’ve shared a little bit of what you’re working through and am thinking of you. You are a gentle and loving person and deserve happiness.
More hugs coming your way! I’m so glad you’re working through this very difficult word . . . and all that emerges with it . . . this year, Kat. Release. It’s going to be powerful for you, and when you come out the other side of your hard work, you’re going to be so much lighter and shinier and ready for . . . everything. Dig deep. Keep moving. We’re all here for you. XO
Good for you for persevering, Kat. The good stuff is never easy. Wow! I love that pithy quote from Brene Brown. She has a way of cutting away the extraneous stuff and getting to the point with her words. I think you are brave for choosing the word “release”. That is a tough one! I am inspired by your courage.
Love you and support you as you journey towards releasing and finding peace. Writing this post must have been difficult and I’m grateful for you sharing it with us/me. I will be praying special intentions for you daily in my morning prayers.
What a journey, Kat – and thank you for trusting us with a peek … the joy and the pain. xxoo.
So many good words in the comments above. Adding in my hugs for you.
Sending you my support and a few more virtual hugs, I truly hope that your journey brings you peace and joy.