“They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite”
Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

It seems that I have found the path forward with my word, and while I can’t say it feels good… it is a good thing. My “ah-ha” moment came courtesy of Pádraig Ó Tuama…specifically, The Corrymeela Podcast episode 11 with Dr. Lia Shimada. I have listened to the podcast several times this month to pound home that “ah-ha” moment.

Couple that with the “ritual” worksheets that Carolyn provided this month and I am beginning to find some purpose for release.

The first thing I did was begin to write down my daily rituals and I to see an interesting pattern form.

Control, Perfection, and Expectations.

Early on in my life I learned that the only thing I could control was myself, which has since expanded to controlling, or trying to control, everything around me…because if I could be perfect – if everything  was perfect – it would be all right… right? Yeah, my adult brain absolutely knows that is not the case… but boy is it hard to let go of control!

I also learned very early that no one lives up to my expectations… and because they won’t, I don’t have to “let them in.” Perfect… that way I don’t get hurt and, more importantly, I don’t have to open up and share. It is the one lasting holdover of my childhood… the idea that as long as no one knows, it will be alright. Except that is only a lie I tell myself.

So where does grieving come in? I know that that living in denial, avoiding, ignoring, and holding in the secret of my childhood has staved off grieving for things lost…and I have to give myself permission to go through the ritual of grieving those lost things.

Hoo boy. I knew this word was going to be hard, but I also knew that it is so necessary. Today, the hardest part is talking about it because I have lived my entire life holding in this secret. I don’t talk about my family… I talk about grandparents, but never my home life. I am not here to say that the floodgates are going to open and I am going to beginning talking about those things. It is never going to be a “conversation starter” or part of any discussion and that is okay. What I am going to do is move through the grieving process… be it forward or backward.

And I am really going to focus on releasing perfection, control, and expectations.

I want to thank Carolyn for providing the space for us all to share (and I want to especially thank her for this months worksheets!)

See you all back here on Wednesday!

(I have gone back and forth over allowing comments here or not… and no comments just feels better. Thank you all for understanding.)



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