I want to drown in my tears,
And my tears are my prayers. ―
Silly, silly me in thinking that I was done with release… because it is certainly not done with me!
This month I got to put into practice all that I have learned over the past year – active, painful, excruciating practice. Somethings are easy to release… like tears. Other things are not so simple as that… but those hard things are sometimes the most important to let go of… and realize I cannot control *everything* (despite wishing I magically could)! One thing I did not let go of was Carolyn’s prompt this month! And while I am not sharing what I wrote… I will share how I used it! It became for me a lifeline… each day I used the space to help me stay focused on what I needed to let go of… (sometimes this was as simple as letting go of frustration, anger, and disappointment… other days, it provided me with things that I still need to work on!)
Earlier this month, I posted that my estranged sister got back in contact with me…but it was not a celebratory reunion, but rather one of desperation as she had hit the bottom’s bottom. (I thought…hoped?)
And so began some days of anguished conversation… anguished on my sister’s part while I tried very hard to stay calm… except when I couldn’t… which was often… so often…too often. Yet, still she called, providing more practice for calm and lots of time to remind myself that this perhaps was the entire reason release picked me this year. I don’t need to solve every problem… for anyone but myself. I can’t control what others do, what they say, or how they behave… I can only control myself. (And sometimes even that is a challenge!)
And in a frenzied week of me trying to find a place to take my sister with a plethora of issues…too many to list here…but in a small miracle a physician deemed her a threat to herself and made her go directly to the emergency room. That ER staff fortuitously kept her until they got her on medicaid and then found a place that would take her for 5 short days. Yes… just 5 days.
(Can we just have a small aside for the staff at every emergency room in America? These are the unsung heroes of every hospital… the ones who deal with what has walked through their doors. I am sending a HUGE thank you to the ER staff that did the hard work for my sister… I am profoundly thankful for them… and my sister owes them a debt of gratitude, which, sadly, she will not remember and she certainly won’t ever thank them.)
I was incredibly surprised that my sister called me while she was in the “treatment place”. Sadly, I could tell that Fake Susan was back and with each phone call the lies and the nonsense got louder and louder. And I began to get the hint that this would just be a brief stint of re-connection.
But still… she called. She had no idea where she’d go after that brief five day 5 intervention and perhaps it was that fear of the unknown kept her calling. However, I was very honest with her… No, she could not come to stay with us. I made it very clear that I could not help her that way, I would be here cheering her on in her journey to recovery, but I could fix her.
Release… it is not a thing for the faint of heart and there were so many more tears.
Today, it seems that hint was correct. I have not heard from her since she briefly called to let me know that she was in a shelter and could I “pay to unlock her phone” (a sum of money that I cannot imagine was correct… but I said yes, I would pay them… which was, of course, not what she wanted me to say… or to do.)
I have no clue if she is still in the shelter or if she is not, where she is. I am not holding my breath, wondering if she will call or where she is… I am standing firm in release and letting my tears be as a prayer.
Release began this year as very hard work and it remains that 11 months in – no matter how I want to move beyond it. Some words linger on and gently remind my days… my hope is that release will eventually become that sort of gentle reminder.
A huge thanks to Carolyn for providing a space for us all to share our progress!
I will see you all back here on Wednesday!
Oh, Kat, you have truly learned the meaning of release and more importantly, put it into practice. Five days isn’t long, but the fact that it was even five days is something. Thanks to the ER staff and if it happened once, it can happen again. Like you said, she called and connected. Stand firm, let go and release all that you need to, and I hope the tears ease. XO
Oh Kat. My heart just aches for you. I pray that your sister is ok and safe. And I’m sure you can feel all the hugs and well wishes from your bloggy friends. Take care!!
never give up hope.I know of many success stories. I am so glad you set boundaries and helped her when you could. I pray she commits to a journey of self care and realizes what a wonderful sister you are (you are!!!). Prayers to you, what a stressful experience.
Sending hugs, Kat, to you and your sister. Sometimes doing the right thing sucks so much.
It can’t have been easy for you to share all of this but I’m so proud of you for doing it. And for standing your ground.
Kat, I am sending love and hugs your way. I think as hard as this word has been for you, it’s clearly been a good and useful word as well, in some very concrete ways. I am sorry you are dealing with all this mess related to your sister and sorry that she seems to be back to her old ways. But I am very proud of you for recognizing that as much as we want to take care of our loved ones, sometimes we need to put ourselves first, particularly if our loved ones do not really want our help. Your sister is lucky to have you as family — both for assisting her in getting help and in refusing to enable her.
Wow, Kat. This is some serious Release. There’s so much wrapped up here–and I’m grateful to be in this trusted space you’ve built. It seems we’re never short on the lessons about not being able to fix other people…or solve their problems…or clean up the mess and right it all around. I’m wholeheartedly celebrating you from afar for practicing healthy boundaries, for helping in the way you knew you could–*and* for protecting yourself and your life and your heart and your loved ones and your home, because anyone who has dealt with estrangement and mental health crises knows what that ‘aftermath’ can look like. You are acting from a place of love + wisdom. And this is obviously NOT your first rodeo.
Much love.
I am sending my support. What a tough situation for you. You are so right to set boundaries and stand firm although it can’t be easy. I’ll hold a good thought for you and your sister.
What a year for you, Kat. Thank you for sharing about your sister- I know it’s hard to write about family stuff and yet it’s helpful to know that we’re ALL struggling with these heartaches. I’m sending you all the good thoughts and strength that I can manage right now… families are so tough and sometimes it’s impossible to feel as though we’re doing enough. Your ability to release the things out of your control is admirable and necessary.. I’ve learned so much from your journey this year – thank you for taking us along!
Some words just . . . never let you go, y’know? I’m sending you all the good juju I can muster . . . to support and aid you in your journey here. Setting – and standing firm in – our boundaries is so important. I’m really proud of you for defining yours! All the love to you, Kat. XO
Sending love to you! I haven’t been in your exact shoes, but a very similar pair… it’s easy to take a stand, so damn tough to hold it.
Yes, our mental health system is broken. You had to take on the task of fixing your sister’s part in it. Your strength in setting boundaries is amazing. You know you did the right thing, no matter how hard it was. {{{hugs}}}
Sending love, Kat, and prayers for continued strength. Also, thank you for trusting us with your story. Sharing stuff is hard …and this community is full of compassion and support. hugs!