A Few Good Things | 2.13.26
And we: spectators always, everywhere,
turned toward it all and never looking out!
Everything overfills us. We put it in order. It falls apart.
We order it again and fall apart ourselves.— Rainer Maria Rilke, A portion of the Eighth Elegy from the Duino Elegies, translation by Mark S. Burrows
This has absolutely been my world since last November… overwhelmed by everything, trying to make sense of the senseless, and everything, everywhere falling apart. And let me tell you… being immersed into profound grief when the entire world is a shite show… well, there were some moments that I wanted to crawl in a hole and pull the dirt over me and just be done with it all.
From the end of November through all of December and most of January, I barely could keep track of what day of the week it was. And most days I did not keep track at all. I was thankful for the technology that reminded me when to get out of bed, when to take medications, and when to “begin winding down” from the day.
But, somewhere in January I began to notice different things. The sky in the morning was the first thing I really noticed…. it was not really black anymore but a beautiful indigo gradient. I don’t think I ever remember noticing this phenomenon before, although I am certain it has done this for millennia. And each day, despite the unbelievable cold, I was so eager to get outside to see those early morning skies.
Something had an order and it did not require any work from myself at all. I could just be there to experience it.
And then something even more miraculous happened as February inched in… I had what I classify as a “normal” conversation with my son. We talked about everything and nothing and then more nothing. And I felt a huge worry begin to melt… I guess I did not realize that my worry for him was as overwhelming as it was, and I knew it was overwhelming… but wow… once that change happened, I realized how much of a burden that was.
And I am happy to report that I am mostly back to keeping track of the days. The world is still a shit show. Lots of things still don’t make sense. I have filled the hole in and moved past it. But I am less concerned with putting things in order that I cannot control… and as for being a spectator? Well, the shit show continues… but so do those glorious indigo skies and I am betting next week I will have some snowdrops popping up in my yard!
